I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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