Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
