please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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