There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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