Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
