What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
