I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
