goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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