I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
