Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
