please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
