why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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