I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
