he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
