If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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