im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
