im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
