I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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