I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
