I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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