I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
