she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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