you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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