I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
