I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My liver just had a heart attack.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
