My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
