I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
