I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
