I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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