Come see our sink grown plant.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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