Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
