I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
