Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have fence marks all over my body
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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