So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
