my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im holly from the hills drunk
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
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I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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