i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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