Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
