Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
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When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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