Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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