Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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