So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize