So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
