Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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