ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
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