The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
