My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
