I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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