It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
