I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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