Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
