Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
