Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
