I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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