In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
