So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
