she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
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