If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
