I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
As shirtless as possible
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
