Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
