Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
