Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
